Jason’s Story: From Rock Bottom to Remembering He Matters
The following is written by Jason Howland, Retired U.S. Air Force and Boot Campaign Veteran Ambassador.
When I hear the words YOU MATTER I don’t just hear a slogan or phrase of encouragement. I hear the reminder that saved my life, even before I believed it.
After serving in the military for 16 years and multiple deployments, I reached a critical breaking point. I was carrying the weight of both visible and invisible wounds. Traumatic brain injuries, chronic pain, and posttraumatic stress stacked up, but I pushed it all down because I thought that was the only way to stay on active duty. On the outside, I was funny, dependable, and helpful. On the inside, I was empty. I was convinced that the world and the people I loved would be better off without me.
I made up my mind that my story was finished and that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was drowning in pain that no one around me could see. One night I drank heavily, swallowed a month’s supply of prescription pills, and prepared an exit bag. My plan was not a cry for help. It was an attempt to permanently silence the pain. The only reason I didn’t succeed was because I passed out before I could finish what I started. I woke up three days later, disoriented, and somehow given another chance.
My command checked me into an inpatient facility. For the first time, I admitted I needed help. Treatment gave me some stability, but the thoughts of ending my life returned in the months that followed. I gave away belongings and visited family to say goodbye without them realizing why.
Thankfully, life intervened in the form of someone who gave me the hope and grace I could not give myself. A spark of connection changed everything. For the first time since early childhood, I remembered that I mattered.
I continued to serve my country for another four years and retired from my military career strong, with recognition I never thought I would live to see. More importantly, I discovered that my survival wasn’t just for me. It was for every Veteran and every person I could reach who might be standing in the same darkness I once stood in.
YOU MATTER is more than a phrase to me because I know what it feels like to believe you don’t. I know what it feels like to think your existence is a burden and that your absence would make life easier for everyone else. I also know what it feels like to have someone remind you that you are worth love, that your life has meaning, and that your story isn’t over. My life is far from perfect, but it has been real and full of purpose. As a Boot Campaign Veteran Ambassador, I get to spread the YOU MATTER message every single day. I get to look other Veterans in the eye and remind them they are seen and they are worth it. Sometimes all it takes is one conversation for a wall to start coming down – from there trust builds and hope takes root.
The ripple effect of survival is something I will never take for granted. If I had succeeded in ending my life, everything I’ve been able to give and receive in the years since would have been erased. And, as my wife puts it, my light would have been gone and the world would have been a little darker.
That’s why YOU MATTER is not just a message. It is a lifeline. It is a promise that no matter how heavy the darkness feels, there is still purpose to be found. There is still hope. And there is still love waiting to find you.
I am living proof of that promise.
